girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize