I accidentally burped into my bong.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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