I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
