my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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