Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
