I love black thongs
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
