Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
