Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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