fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
