I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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