remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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