he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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