I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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