Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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