You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
