So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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