I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
