the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
