I cut my penus on the lid.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
