im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
