New low: just hacked my moms facebook
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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