If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
