I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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