I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
