It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
