Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize