In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
