I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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