hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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