I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
