people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
