All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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