I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize