Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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