Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
