i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
