I'm really into asian looking animals
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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