I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
