I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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