getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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