Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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