I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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