I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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