i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
