Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
