After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
