K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
