we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
