Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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