You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
