i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
