you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
