well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
