Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
