I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
