okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
