somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
