My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
